The Week in News: In Rhyme
I have no idea how long I can keep this up, but I thought it would be cool to summarize the week’s news in rhyming mode.
Week of May 19,2013
A big tornado swept through town
and made the Oklahomans frown.
But a little dog found on TV
Made the lady frowny-free.
Except for Wolf, he swung and missed,
and got served by an atheist
Obama’s speech made a lot of fuss
About the national security apparatus
"Drones won’t kill civilians,
Only Arabs by the millions.
But Gitmo’s bad and has to go.
Hey, have you seen my prom photo?”
This dude in London went to town,
Speaking hate and throwing down.
His hands were bloody,
His eyes aswirl.
Beaver Cleaver he was not.
But that don’t matter, he got shot.
Washington bridge is falling down
Falling down, falling down
Structures failing all around.
Where’s that funding?
Keyboard Cat is a video of Schmidt’s cat, Fatso, wearing a shirt and playing an electronic keyboard with its pause.
So remember: 12:01 a.m., May 26. The schedule after that will be approximately as follows: the first animated GIFs from the first episode will appear at 12:01 and a half, people will complain that Netflix is down at 12:02, spoilers will begin appearing on Twitter at 12:03, angry tweets about spoilers at 12:04, think pieces about how this distribution model affects spoilers at 12:05, think pieces about how this distribution model might result in the return of Firefly at 12:06, listicles of 10 more shows that Netflix should revive at 12:07, complaints that these episodes “suck” at 12:08, complaints about haters at 12:09, questions about why people who are so into Arrested Development refuse to watch Community at 12:10, and 25 pictures of cats watching Arrested Development at 12:11.
Before we begin, I just want to take a moment to talk about the attack in Boston yesterday. Now obviously our thoughts and our prayers are with everybody there. And as the President said, we don’t know who did this, but they will be found and they will be brought to justice.
But whoever did this obviously did not know shit about the people of Boston. Because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. For Pete’s sake, Boston was founded by the Pilgrims — a people so tough, they had to buckle their God-damned hats on!
It is the cradle of the American Revolution! A city that withstood an 86-year losing streak! A city that made it through the Big Dig, a construction project that backed up traffic for 16 years! I mean, there are commuters just getting home now!
Even their bands are tough! It is the hometown of Aerosmith, who in their fifth decade are still going strong! Even Steven Tyler looks fantastic… for a 73-year-old woman!
But here’s what these cowards really don’t get: they attacked the Boston Marathon, an event celebrating people who run 26 miles on their day off until their nipples are raw, for fun! And they have been holding it in Boston since 1897 — and do you know how tough you have to be to run in a whalebone corset?
And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood.
So here’s what I know: these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston.
But all they can ever do is show just how good those people are.
Now that we know that The Bluths will come back to your TV on May 26, it’s time to gear up for the return of Arrested Development. Netflix knows a thing or two about the art of the tease, aka making Mama horny, Michael. Back in December, AD fans blue themselves over these fake movie posters made by Netflix, and now we’re treated to these brilliant prop-based teaser posters for the upcoming 15-episode return. MORE POSTERS HERE, SO GOOOOOD.
The perfect tease. Count me as a hop on.